Sunday, September 13, 2009

Wrestling With Myself

This hasn't happened in a long time. I'm spiraling down, dragging, for no reason. I'm depressed. Not the kind of depression you can snap out of. Not the kind you can pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Expecting that is like expecting a diabetic to lower their blood sugar by snapping out of it instead of taking insulin. For those of you who don't understand Clinical Depression, that was for you. I don't want to hear anything else. I'm tired of well intentioned people telling me how to handle this condition. If one more person says anything contrary to what medical truth is, you might as well pack your things and get the hell out of my life. You are no longer welcome here. You don't have to agree with the doctor's diagnosis, but don't ever suggest anything contrary to what the doctor says I need to do to stay healthy.

I've been tired all week; all I want to do is sleep. That's the first sign. I have to remember to look and see when my next appointment with my therapist. Maybe there is a trigger and I'm just not seeing it. All I know is that I don't think much of myself right now. I'm nothing but a big tub of lard that doesn't matter. I don't know how to change this. I have no patience. It pisses me off when spoken to. It pisses me off if someone needs something from me. I want to be left alone. I don't even know that I want to be comforted. What for? It never lasts. Anyone who, in the past, who has shown care and concern soon tire of me and then feel put upon by my life. I'm a pain in the ass to anyone who comes along. I know that is not true, and I'm sure a few people would have their feelings hurt to read that, but it's how I feel. Nothing outside me is going to change me. Only I can do that. And I don't see any reason to. I have no motivation. I don't believe I'm worth it. God won't do it. Or He can't. Merwyn has let me know what a huge pain in the ass I've been to be married to. Even that he never wanted to marry me in the first place. Of course he says he doesn't remember saying that and that he's always wanted to marry me. Oh yeah? Then how come he never asked me to marry him? He didn't. We just started talking about it one day, then started making plans. This was around the time of my birthday. You'd think he would buy me an engagement ring for the occasion. Did he? Oh hell no. He didn't want to. This right there was a warning flag and I was too stupid to see it. Our lives have been all about him since we've been together. I accepted it because I'm always putting myself out for others. Not patting myself on the back here, it's just what I do. And it's one of the reasons for being taken advantage of. I'm too stupid to see that some people don't deserve what I have to give.

I don't know what's going on inside me but right now I feel like I could lose it. Something is pissing me off and I don't know what. I'm probably wishing I could separate from Merwyn but I'm stuck. There's no way out. If I go back to any of my trades I'll either lose my hand function, back health, or my mind. I would love to write but that takes a long long time. I'm also having a hard time taking the hits that come with it. Sometimes I feel like "what's the use?" If I keep feeling trapped like this I may just consider suicide an option again. I know it's wrong, and I'm not there yet. There is just no way out.

No comments:

Post a Comment