Friday, September 11, 2009

Despondence Unlimited

Well, here I am again. I've been lazy the last day or two. Actually, my depression has been triggered and I have been dealing with it the last few weeks. I received an email with an attachment that gives insider information as to how to write an article for a magazine, and all it entails. The article sounded like it was saying that what I have done is all wrong, all the effort, and work, myself, was all wrong for it. Of course from there I start to think that I don't have what it takes to be a writer. No matter how hard I try I'll always get it all wrong.

If I talk to anyone about it most of the time I feel like I'll be told to get over it and to stop feeling this way. No one stops to wonder why I feel this way. It seems to me that if you deal with that then those feelings can't rear its ugly head anymore. But instead I feel like I'm told that I' m letting my past influence me too much.
I went and saw Alan today. We had been down to once a month therapy sessions, but he thinks he'll want to see me in two weeks this time.

I know if I want to be a writer I can't let rejection in any form get me to quit. I'm sure I'll face much bigger and worse rejection than this. Of course there is also the possibility that another issue from my past is ready to be dealt with - and is rearing it's ugly head.
I'm down on myself for not buckling down and writing everyday. There is no reason not to. Even it's it's 15 minutes a day. I just keep overwhelming myself with expectations that are too high too. I was sure my article about mikeroweWORKS would be published. Most writers don't get published for a long time once they decide to write. I still have to finish my diabetes article. I think I'm procrastinating with that because I have not lost anymore weight like I should be doing. Thankfully I have not gained any, but I really want to keep losing - I'm tired of being this weight - I know I can look better. Alan says I need some support; support from someone who shares my beliefs about God and His plan for our lives. More on this later. Deadliest Catch is coming on now. Hopefully Captain Phil will be on it this week. Go*! what that man does to me!

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